To Be a Good Republican, You Must Believe ..

You might find yourself agreeing with this list (how could you not?), and possibly adding a few more of your own points to it after you've had a chance to read it.

1. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.


2. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.


3. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.


4. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iran.


5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational corporations can be trusted to make decisions affecting all mankind without any government or public regulation.


6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.


7. If condoms are kept out of schools, teens won't have sex.


8. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.


9. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.


10. Tobacco's link to cancer and global warming are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.


11. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for an unjustified war where many thousands die is solid defense policy.


12. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.


13. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.


14. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery.


15. High gas prices were Bill Clinton's fault, now they are the fault of the free market.